


So Who's For a Riot, Then?

by EcclesCake



Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 14:28:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17045420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EcclesCake/pseuds/EcclesCake
Summary: James asks for help in the tasks from an unlikely ally.





	So Who's For a Riot, Then?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Biscuit Lion (cookiethelion)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiethelion/gifts).



GREG: “And we’re back. Hope you enjoyed those ads, and if you didn’t, tough. Where were we?’  
ALEX: “Well Greg, before the break, our contestants were trying to make white circles on a wall from a distance. Kerry Godliman heaved flour paste, Jessica Knappett fired squirty cream, and Phil Wang turned the ground white. We’ve one more contestant to go.”  
GREG: “And is it the person currently languishing on the bottom of the scoreboard?”  
ALEX: “Yes! And Also ‘yes, in that it’s the man whose initials spell the German word for ‘yes’, it’s James Acaster!”

\---

James scanned the paper one last time, then dropped it and ran into the house. White circles? There’d be flour in the kitchen, but that wouldn’t stick. Would there be paint in the shed? 

“House?” muttered James as he sped away from the camera crew following him. “I know we haven’t got on much. And I have kicked you several times. But if you can help me find something good to do this task, I’ll owe you big time. Do you need a new coat of paint?” He dashed into the study in search of paper, scissors, glue, and a long pole, then stopped. 

\---

JESSICA: “I’m sorry, WHAT was that?”  
ALEX: “Well, we could replay the footage if there was any confusion-”  
JESSICA: “Oh, I saw. I. Saw. There was a paintball gun? You left a paintball gun in the house?”  
RHOD: “And with white pellets too. Very unusual for paintball. You’re usually covered in rainbow spray when you go on your corporate outings. You look like a Care Bear vomited on you.”  
ALEX: “Well, the gun rack has been above the deer’s head the whole time. Anyone could have used it.”  
PHIL: “How did you even notice it? I’ve seen you trip over mic cables when you’re the one carrying it.”  
JAMES: “I... I spotted it during an earlier task. Yes. Anyone could have seen it. Only I had the brains to plan ahead and think, ‘ah, that paintball gun might be needed for a later task involving making white circles, I shall recollect it for such a time.’.”  
PHIL: “You shall recollect it? Shall you?”  
GREG: “OK, children, settle down. We’re as shocked as you are as James’s sudden capability. But it was bound to happen eventually and we just need to cope with this confusing new world we find ourselves in. What does this do to the scores?”

\------

ALEX: “And before the break contestants were trying to hit a ball into a hole with as few strokes as possible. We have two more to view, and first it’s the one who shares his name with multiple monarchs, and who isn’t Phillip, it’s James Acaster!”

\---

OK, thought James. Not a timed task, so maybe don’t rush about too madly. He’d been having good luck finding useful things, through Alex had actually refused to submit to the defibrillator in the “raise Alex’s heart rate challenge”. 

“Come on house,” pleaded James as he rummaged through the shed. “There’ll be something clever and smart that’s been left here so I can look like a fool when I don’t find it.” But nothing in the shed immediately suggested a clever solution. 

As he left the shed to search inside, a splosh landed on his head. He looked up where there was a drip from the gutter.

“Oh. Ok then. ALEX! I need a ladder!”

\---

GREG: “So let me see if I’ve got this straight. In order to get a ball into a hole 15 metres away, you spent how long stripping the house of guttering?”  
JAMES: “Two hours.”  
ALEX: “He took two hours and seven minutes to remove all the guttering he needed, and sixteen minutes to assemble it into a run from the ball to the hole, which means you could watch 2012’s The Avengers in the gutter-taking time and then its credits in the assemble time. My favourite is Hawkeye.”  
GREG: “I didn’t wish to know that and probably could have guessed, on account of him being the most useless.”  
PHIL: “You’re Coulson. No, you aspire to reach Coulson.”  
ALEX: “While Coulson is the glue holding the Avengers together he is not officially a member and that is important.”  
KERRY: “So now tearing the house apart is within the rules?”  
RHOD: “Oh like you’d bother to tear the house apart. That’d be far too much work.”  
GREG: (nodding) “Bosh.”  
KERRY: “Oh don’t bosh me. Has anyone noticed James is having tremendous success at all the tasks at the house? He’s always finding just the thing he needs. Nobody else found a 50 million mark coin when doing the water coin challenge. Convenient things just seem to be around him.”  
JAMES: “The guttering wasn’t convenient! I had to work through the whole of Avengers to get it!”  
ALEX: “It has eight point one stars out of ten on IMDB. Also James actually volunteered to fix the guttering later. Better than before actually. He patched a small leak in the bottom.”  
JAMES: “Volunteered? What do you mean volunteered? You cheeky sod!”  
PHIL: “Yeah you actually looked pained to take it off. You did it so carefully, and you looked like you were apologising as you did it.”  
ALEX: “We can replay the video and you can see him mouthing the words ‘Please forgive me’, or possibly ‘Eat your hip beans’, it’s hard to tell which of those it was.”  
JAMES: “Yeah, well, you know, I’m very respectful of the house. It’s been good to me.”  
KERRY: “Someone’s being good to you. Do you have a ringer on the crew? Slips the most useful gear in plain sight when you set up?’  
JAMES: “I wouldn’t even know how to start bribing the right person for that.”

\------

ALEX: “And now it’s our last task of the series that isn’t our onstage task since that task is that actual last task but this is the last one we filmed beforehand. I’m sorry that wasn’t a tight introduction to tie everything up, but hopefully the task will do that.”

\---

The task seemed pretty straightforward. Tie yourself up so Alex takes time to untie you. The shed seemed specially loaded up with ropes and chains. This didn’t seem too tough. James grabbed a chair from inside to have something to wrap the ropes around. 

After about five minutes, he noticed that Alex was looking confused, and that he went to talk to a member of the crew. He kept working on the ties, even as a number of people were gathering around talking with some dashing in and out of the building. 

“I think I’m done,” said James. “Do you want to have a crack at me now?”

“Uh, well, there’s... there’s a minute thirty left on the clock...”

“You just want me to sit here and wait it out? Is your fetish not yet satisfied?”

“It’s just, well, we’ll see.”

But the remaining time ran out without anything in particular happening and Alex, dejectedly, blew his whistle.

\---

KERRY: “So who’s for a riot then? I could go back to my dressing room, get a lighter. I reckon we could have the theatre ablaze in fifteen minutes.”  
JESSICA: “That is so unfair! We all had that bloody siren in the middle of that one!”  
KERRY: “If any members of the audience happened to bring any petrol we could cut it down to ten.”  
GREG: “Yes, I do think an explanation is owed. Alex? I am upset at this failure. Explain why didn’t the siren go off for James or I shall have to think of a punishment you wouldn’t enjoy.”  
ALEX: “Well, you see, you, you understand-”  
GREG: “Please help me understand. If people think I’m playing favourites I could lose all of my ‘Street Cred’.”  
KERRY: “Kerosene would be good too.”  
ALEX: “We examined it as quickly as we could, and it appears there was some sort of electrical fault. A wire had come loose and so it didn’t go off when we flipped the switch. By the time we’d worked out the issue the ten minutes had run out.”  
RHOD: “Then that’s not fair! Make him tie himself up again!”  
ALEX: “We decided that the tasks are done under the conditions of the day. James got lucky. But we still needed James to complete the task that happens when the siren went off, so to compensate we made it go off for him in his own home when he was asleep. I have the footage here-”

\---

“ARRRHADFFHFHFFHGHHH what the fuck what the fuck - Alex what the fuck are you doing in my house - oh God is this the siren task fuck...”

\---

ALEX: “And he put the boiler suit on that we had brought in an admirable two minutes and thirty seven seconds.”  
JAMES: I want to be clear that, for that, they won’t find your body.”  
GREG: “Killing my assistant will means points deducted. Speaking of points, your very last chance to get some is here. Could you all make your way to the stage for the final task of the series!”  
JAMES: “Wait, WHAT? Are you not going to show all the things you made me do?”  
GREG: “James I do believe we have shown all of your ridiculous antics. I’m sure Alex could find ...”  
JAMES: “No, all the other tasks! I mean, I knew I was the only one doing them. I mean, we’re not idiots, we watched the previous series-”  
KERRY: “I didn’t.”  
JAMES: “- And we know you can make one person do a bunch of stupid tasks that nobody else has to do and then you show us doing them and we look stupid and then maybe you give us a pity point.”  
ALEX: “James, we didn’t set you any bonus tasks.”  
JAMES: “Yes you did! I kept finding sealed paper with messages like:

\---

“Fix the dripping tap in the bathroom. You can only reference these instructions in Swedish. Your time starts now.”

\---

“Replace the missing roof tile. You must wear oven gloves the entire time. Your time starts now.”

\---

“Lay the best traps for mice. Mice most mice caught wins. Your time starts now.”

\---

“Fix this window with the prettiest glass you can find. Your time starts now.”

\---

“Replace the guttering that you took down and fix the leaky hole. Your time starts now.”

\---

ALEX: “I’m pretty certain I would remember that. I design all the tasks. I don’t think we have any footage of any of that. I do note the house is in a much nicer condition than when the series started.”  
JAMES: “No, I kept finding the sealed notes! I - I guess I assumed you’d hidden cameras or something? Are you really telling me I get no points for all that work?”  
ALEX: “I have a feeling you may already have gotten your reward for those.”  
GREG: “OK, enough pity. Everyone up on the stage for the final task!”


End file.
